Day Twenty

Portugal 0 Spain 0

Penalties 2 - 4

We're through to the semi-finals now, and soon this wonderful, special time will be gone for another two years. Meanwhile there seems to be some tennis on. It isn't terrible, but it fails the crucial quality test, which is can you be offside in it? If you can't, and to my knowledge there's no offside in tennis at all, then it's clearly a sport that needs to work on its zoning principles.

When we got to the semi-finals in the last World Cup the surviving teams were Holland, Uruguay, Germany and Spain, which gives us the acronym HUGS. It was a poignant moment when I realised this, almost as if the World Cup was saying goodbye to me with a last fond embrace. This time it was Portugal, Italy, Germany and Spain. And the Iberian Derby Started us off.

Everyone complained about it, for some reason. Hansen, Shearer, Dixon and Lineker all tore into it at full time like it was Kendo Nagasaki and they were Giant Haystacks. Twitter resounded with the moans and groans. Actually that's too low-pitched a verb. We want something less like a bass drum, and more like the sound of millions of tiny insects. Chittered. That's it. Twitter chittered like locusts in a field of disappointing maize.

Their main objection was the lack of shots on target, but it's worth remembering that efforts like Iniesta's shot just over or Ronaldo's free kicks don't count towards this total. We've all seen games that probably looked better by shot count than this one,  because of all the feeble efforts that roll comfortably to the keeper without drama, but count towards the stat.

It's true that there were some lacklustre performances. Spain went with a striker, but the striker they went with was Negredo, who seemed to have a very unforwardlike reluctance to get in the action. In the end they took him off, but replaced him with Fabregas rather than Torres. It seemed surprising, but then there were some who were surprised when Torres even got in the squad after the season he's had. You can't have it both ways.

For Portugal, Almeida did poorly. This was a shame, because for much of the game Portugal were getting at least as much of the attacking play as Spain, but instead of getting Almeida to lay it off to Ronaldo or Nani they kept laying it off to him instead. You could put this down to poor attacking strategy, but you could just as easily credit the strong Spanish defensive play. They knew Ronaldo and Nani were the danger men, so they screened them more effectively than they did Almeida. When Almeida did get chances, there was always a defender on or around him to make his shot harder. Eventually Bento replaced him with Oliveira.

Portugal started with a high pressing game, harrying Spain on the ball, and it was eight minutes before Spain managed to string some passes together. When they did, Arbeloa and Iniesta both had shots over from the edge of the box. You get the feeling if they want to turn it on they can, said Keown.

I started to wonder if there was an element of smoke and mirrors to their passing game. They made a couple of misplaced passes in successive moves, and it struck me that if I saw that down Ashton Gate I would instantly identify it as an error. When it's Spain, we somehow want to see a failed move as a near success.

Portugal can string a few passes together themselves, although the difference is that Spain could carry on doing it even if you took away any single player. They may be missing Puyol or Villa, but they're still in the semifinals. If Ronaldo had gone down with gastroenteritis the night before their first game they'd all be on the beach at Faro by now. He'd be the Groucho to their lesser brothers, if you were constantly filled with the desire to punch Groucho in the face.

We had a Lynne Truss moment in the first half. Are you watching, England? said Martin Keown. We're definitely not watching England said his colleague, having apparently heard Keown speak without the comma. I once ate a sandwich apparently made of dolphin, friendly tuna and sweetcorn, so I feel quite strongly about commas.

At one point, Spain were so unnerved by Portugal's pressure they took the highly unusual step of lumping it forward. It nearly worked out for them, bouncing handily to Negredo on the edge of the box. With his back to the ball he laid it back to Silva, who knocked it sideways to Iniesta. His shot flew just over, but it seemed ominous at the time. It seemed just as ominous the other way when Ronaldo had a shot two minutes later, which shaved the edge of the post. Ronaldo claimed Casillas had saved it, but a replay showed otherwise.

After the break both sides proceeded through the medium of the corner for a while. There was a sense that the balance of power was once more - well, in the balance. It would be something of a misnomer otherwise, like a standee, or the Ministry of Defence.

Almeida had a shot after 57 minutes. He's not missed by all that much, but he did have Ronaldo to his right and Nani to his left, said the commentator. On the hour mark, Pepe got booked for flattening Alonso with knee and elbow simultaneously. Yet still people said it was a game with nothing to see. Go out on the street now and hit someone with your knee and your elbow at the same time, then come back and tell me about the lack of skill on display.

On 72 minutes Ronaldo earned and took a free kick, which flew over by about a foot. On 82 minutes he was fouled again, thirty yards out in a good shooting position. Arbeloa got booked for handling the first free kick, and Ronaldo got another go, that much closer. It was too high again. If he'd had his original position, it might have had time to get it down.

On 85 minutes Alves was booked for a poor tackle on Jordi Alba. The entire Portuguese back four were now on yellow cards. It's perhaps not surprising that Spain dominated the play from here on. Veloso also got booked for a routine challenge bang on full time. It was the eighth booking, in a game that hadn't been especially dirty.

Spain took Xavi off for Pedro. It struck me that for a player like Xavi, substituted in a semi-final when you're 32 years old, you must leave the pitch entirely uncertain whether you'll ever get back on the biggest stage of all again. He knows now that he will, but we all remember Gary Lineker getting substituted against Sweden, in what turned out to be his last England game.

The full time whistle went, to apparent universal disdain. I was having fun even if nobody else was. I 'd already written this in my notes by then.

Spain weren't playing terribly, but the delicate little flicks and dummies, the pinpoint passes that bisect the defence, all this was missing. But the overall quality of the game was so good that you started to hope no-one scored, because it was the kind of game that one goal would win, and a single goal would deny us extra time.

I should add two caveats at this point. It's certainly true that towards the end of normal time the quality of play declined. This isn't unusual, as players often start to worry about making the mistake that would lose the game. When Portugal broke from a Spanish free kick on the stroke of full time, we all assumed Ronaldo would raise the quality for that crucial split second with his shot. It didn't work out that way.

It's also true that my beer drinking strategy hadn't taken extra time into account, and to be honest there came a point at which the quality of my note taking went into something of a decline. I did notice the way that Spain seemed to take over. There's a desperate look about the Portuguese, said Martin Keown just before Ramos blasted a free kick just over. Shortly before that Iniesta had had a shot saved when he was clear through.


Portugal must have been glad when the whistle blew for the end of the first period of extra time. They brought Custodio on for Veloso, then Varela on for Meireles. They were trying to hold on by this point, and did a reasonable job of it. Pedro nearly got away in the 23rd minute, but the Portuguese defence just recovered in time and were able to put it out for a corner. There was a lot of Spanish huffing and puffing (well I was drunk, what do you want me to say), but then it was penalties.

Both teams missed their first, then scored their next two. Weirdly, Alves walked up to take the third for Portugal, then got sent back by Nani. He'd clearly got the order wrong. From that, and the look on his face, it was no surprise when his effort was saved. As @michaelhogan tweeted, Alves has left the building.

Fabregas' penalty wasn't great, going in off the post, but it won the game for Spain. What was going on with Alves? I've never seen that before.

Ronaldo, meanwhile, never got to take one. Fabregas said afterwards that he was down to go second, but had asked del Bosque if he could go last because he had a premonition that he'd score the winning goal for Spain. If Ronaldo had thought something similar it was too late now.

So Spain against Germany or Italy. If they win, they become the first team ever to lift three trophies in a row - The Euros, the World Cup then the Euros again. You wouldn't bet against them.

Day Fourteen

Czech Republic 0 Portugal 1

At Christmas it's the Two Ronnies, on a royal anniversary it's the Sex Pistols, and every June in even numbered years they reel out the football nostalgia docs. If you invest as much of your emotional capital in major international football tournaments as I do, they're a reliable trigger for the remembrance of things past. So seeing David Platt's winner against Belgium in 1990 on my wide screen the other night instantly took me back to the tiny telly in the Midlands pub we used to drink in back then. I can almost taste the purple nasties - a snakebite with a dash of blackcurrant, if you're wondering. I think all the cells in my body that thought that was a good idea have since been replaced.

A week later we were back in the same pub on my birthday, watching them lose to Germany on penalties. By Euro 1996 I'd moved to Bristol, and I remember seeing Croatia v Germany in a pub in the Mendips with a friend, the last time we ever did acid. Germany won despite Davor Suker's trickery and the way the grass kept moving around like that. Gives purple nasty a whole new meaning.

So there are games that become a part of your personal history, and then there are games like this one. This was the kind of game you soon realise won't be cropping up in your Euro 2020 blog. This was more like Sweden v Holland at Euro 2004, a game I must presumably have watched, but have no memory of.

Both teams normally play in red, so the Czechs took priority in the matter of shirt colour, having won their group. Portugal had to play in white instead. This will also apply tomorrow, when Greece and Germany play, as they both play in white. Germany will take precedence as goup winners, and Greece will have to defer to them and play in the away strip. I wonder how that will go down in Piraeus and Heraklion?

Although they didn't top their group, Portugal were still favourites. If you don't know anything about football, and apart from me who does, you could still work out why just by rating the players' clubs by budget. Portugal's starting 11 play for clubs like Real Madrid, Porto and Man Utd. Most of the Czech players play for teams like Bordeaux, or Besiktas. Perfectly good clubs, with a strong record in Europe, but not at the very top of the European club scene. They can afford decent B-list players, but they're not world class, not galacticos, like Ronaldo or Nani.

The referee was Howard Webb, an Englishman, as the commentator was keen to let us know. Brooks no nonsense from players, Howard Webb, he said. I'm not so sure about that. Webb refereed the last World Cup Final, and I seem to recall him brooking rather more nonsense from Holland than most observers thought he should have brooked.

Once we got going, it was the Ronaldo show again. Six of Portugal's first ten attempts on goal came from him, and nearly all the close ones.

The first real chance fell to him, as he muscled ahead of the defence to get his shot in. It was well saved, and the ref gave a foul against him anyway, but it was an ominous sign for the Czechs.

A few minutes later he had another go, with an overhead kick after a poor defensive clearance came straight back in again. It flew wide. Then his free kick attempt, well hit, went a yard wide.

Meanwhile, Miguel Veloso was booked for a poor tackle on Darida. At least that was the official reason, but I noticed the back of his shirt said Miguel, not Veloso, so hopefully he was partly booked for that. You never saw Trevor Brooking poncing about in a shirt that said Trevor, did you? Think on, young man.

On 38 minutes, Postiga's hamstring seemed to go. They stretchered him off, and brought Almeida on. He's out of the semi-final, but might be back for the final if they get there. They'll miss him.

On 43 minutes there was a reasonable shout for a Portuguese penalty, when the defender clearly had a hold of Nani's arm in the box. Martin Keown thought it was a dive, as he only had it for a second, but if you ask me holding for a second is holding.

In first half injury time Ronaldo nearly scored. The ball came into the box, he did some of his technicolour jiggery pokery to get clear of Kadlec, and his shot hit the post. Keown commented that he could have had three or four, but it was very noticeable that he hadn't.

The second half continued in similar vein. Ronaldo had another free kick, and hit the post again. It looked like Cech might have just tipped it, but the replay showed there was no contact. Goal kick.

The Czechs seemed at times to be struggling with their defensive clearances. There are three basic techniques for a clearance: the measured pass to a teammate, the forward hoof up the pitch and the lateral hoof to row Z. If you're passing to a teammate you'd better be sure it gets there, if you're hoofing it you try to avoid the vertical hoof, in which the ball goes a long way up before coming back down right where it started from. Limbersky in particular seemed to struggle with these fairly basic guidelines.

Almeida had the ball in the net immediately afterwards, heading home from a Nani cross, but was offside. Always a joy to see those forwards running offside, said Martin Keown. You aren't a proper BBC commentator until you know how to act up to your image.

After a flurry of positive Czech moves, the next big chance was Portugal's. Moutinho got the ball, wasn't closed down quick enough and his shot was well saved.

It was all too much for Cech, who punched his teammate Kadec in the head and kneed him in the ribs. Simultaneously, which is actually quite athletic. He made it look like he was going for the ball, but I think he reckoned his defence needed a breather. Except Kadec, who needed to breathe a little less. I love to see keepers coming for those, said Keown. They always lead with the knee, and it's usually the defenders that come off worst. Now there speaks a man who doesn't have to defend any more.

He's a man who know which side his bread is buttered on, is Keown. I remember during the World Cup he was commentating on a New Zealand game, and he wasn't in any way backwards in coming forward to do the coverage for their next qualifying campaign. Fiji, Vanuatu, the Solomons, there was nowhere he wouldn't let us fly him.

On 75 minutes, Nani broke through and so nearly scored. Kadlec just got a slight deflection on it, and it flashed over the bar with Cech nowhere. You thought they'd never score.

Then they scored. Moutinho made the run, and got the cross in. Ronaldo got across Selassie, put his head to it and directed it down. It wasn't actually his best effort of the game. Down is the right place to put it, but it bounced slightly too early, and passed the keeper at a savable height. Fortunately for Portugal it was fast enough to beat Cech's diving reach.

The commentator took the opportunity to go off on one about Ronaldo, as they do like to. Apparently if you include Real's pre-season fixtures last summer he's played almost 12 months of continuous football, and you have to give him credit for that. I'd probably have nodded off by September at the latest.

Pereira had a good shot, with a chance to finish things off, but the keeper saved well. The Portuguese manager decided to put safety first, and brought on defensive midfielder Custodio for Nani. Yes, Custodio. Or Custodio Miguel Dias de Castro, to give him his full name. Now you know what I said about Miguel Veloso above, so you know what I affect to think on the subject of players putting their first name on their shirts, but if you're a defensive midfielder whose real name is Custodio there may be some excuse.

With three minutes left, Ronaldo fell over in the box and appealed for a penalty. Just like old times. The commentator tried to sugggest he'd been impeded, but Keown brushed the suggestion aside like Norman Hunter squashing a recalcitrant striker.

The Czechs only managed two efforts all game, but when they got a corner in injury time their fans still cheered loyally. Even Cech went up for it, but they didn't manage a strike on goal and he had to scamper back as fast as his little legs would carry him. Limbersky intercepted the Portuguese breakout, giving us one last chance to namecheck him and mention the way he's had me thinking about cheese every time they play, but the whistle blew and the Czechs were on their way home. Which is at least quite close.

Portugal face the longest journey home of any team at the Championships. But not yet.

Day Ten

Portugal 2 Holland 1

Germany 2 Denmark 1

Ignoring goal difference there are 3 ways each game can go: win, lose or draw. With 6 games in each group, there are 729 possible outcomes for each group. This sounds a lot, but it actually reduces to a few standard patterns, and one of the most common ones is the 6:3:3:0 points distribution after the first 4 games. If there are no draws in those games, the group will always have this pattern, or 6:6:0:0, or 3:3:3:3.

The 6:3:3:0 distribution is the only one where a team can win their first two games and still go into the last game with no guarantee of progress. It's also the only one where a team can lose their first two games and still have some hope. That was the situation in Group B for Germany and Holland.

Germany needed a point to top the group, but if they lost could still be eliminated by a Portugal win over Holland. Holland knew they were out unless they beat Portugal and Germany beat Denmark.

This meant that in each game, both sides were hoping for the same news from the other one. Germany wanted Holland to beat Portugal and remove the chance of a three way split on six points, and Denmark wanted the same to give them the chance to progress with a draw. Portugal and Holland both wanted Germany to beat Denmark, for very similar reasons.

I decided to watch Portugal and Holland, and I think I made the right choice. Every time I flicked over to the other game to check what was happening it seemed flatter, somehow.

After 11 minutes, unexpectedly, Holland went ahead. It was van der Vaart of Spurs, doing what we'd seen him do a few times this season. Robben's run had carved the space for him, and his shot flew in from about 30 yards. Just for a little while everyone stopped talking about the disunited Dutch team.

Portugal, stung, launched a series of attacks. Ronaldo ran round Vlaar, and his shot hit the outside of the post. Just afterwards an ill-considered back pass from van der Wiel fell to Postiga, who had a free shot that went wide, then Meireles hit one into the side netting from a wide angle.

Soon after we heard that Germany had taken the lead against Denmark. Both sets of fans cheered. Well, I know the pretty ones did. As for the others, no evidence was provided.

That was Holland's highwater mark, by which I mean something more positive than a highwater mark would normally mean in Holland. Immediately afterwards, de Jong had a free header from a corner, in the Portuguese box. Unfortunately for him it was just too high for him to get over it, and it bounced harmlessly over. Had it gone in we might be looking at some very different headlines today.

A minute later Ronaldo had a header in the Dutch box. He hit it powerfully, but Stekelenburg saved well. It seemed like he'd never score a goal again.

Soon after we heard Denmark had equalised against Germany. They showed us the clip. Bendtner rose strongly to meet a header on the edge of the box, it passed over the German defenders and came down just the right height for Krohn-Dehli's head. He flicked it on and in it went.

Finally, after so many misses, Ronaldo scored. A quick darting run, a perfect through ball from Pereira, bang. It was now one all in both games, so we were back where we started. Two minutes later, Nani shot just wide. The game was shaping up to be a cracker.

The Portuguese kept bashing away. They had too many chances to recount, especially if you miss players names because you're trying to eat your dinner, but at half time it was still 1-1 in both stadiums. Yes it is, or at least it can be. Stadia is more commonly used as the plural of stadium when it means a measure of distance.

Holland were better after the break, but Willems was booked for a lunging tackle on Moutinho, and as a result would have missed the quarter final even if they got through. By this time it was starting to seem a remote possibility.

It could have been a bit nearer if Vlaar had scored when he had a free header in the box from a Dutch free kick. It flew high and wide. From his face, you could see he knew what a chance it was.

On the hour mark Postiga managed the getting-it-in-the-goal bit of scoring, getting on a Ronaldo shot that was going wide, but he was offside.

Soon after Meireles was brought down by de Jong and didn't immediately get up, but the Dutch played on. This meant that when Portugal took the ball off them they felt quite entitled to have an attack themselves. In the event Coentrao's shot was saved, but it would have been a talking point if it had gone in. Meireles was fine. Obviously.

The Dutch brought on Affelay for Willems. They'd left him out after Holland's previous failures, but now they needed all the striking power they could muster. Portugal brought Custodio on for Meireles.

Immediately after, Ronaldo played a perfect pass right across the 6-yard for Nani. He hit it firmly enough, but the keeper was in the right place.

A minute later, the roles were successfully reversed. A Dutch move broke down on the Portuguese box, and Moutinho broke out. He played it out right to Nani, who hit the perfect diagonal box to Ronaldo. Ronaldo, in a position to hit it first time, instead controlled the ball, cutting inside the defender, then he controlled it again, then he scored. After all his cockups up to this point it was, it must be said, a triumph of nerve and professionalism. He took the time he needed to ensure the score, and no more. Any fair minded person would have to admire him for it. I still think he's a twat.

I turned over. The tension was now in the Danish game. If Denmark scored, they would go through with Portugal and Germnay would be eliminated.

Instead it was Germany that found the winner. Lars Bender reached a cross pitch ball that had defeated everyone else and tucked it past the keeper, who'd suddenly found himself out of position when his defender Poulsen slipped and missed the ball.

Yes, I had noticed, I was drawing a veil. As @daraobriain pointed out, at least they don't have Kuntz any more

The Danes now needed three goals, at least one in both games. They did their best, but had no significant chances, and unlike the previous day the drama slowly dribbled out of both games. At full time, nothing had changed.

Which gives us our first two quarter finals. Portugal play the Czech Republic, then Germany play Greece.

We're now twenty games in, without a single goalless draw. There are 11 games left. Could this be the first tournament not to have one?

Day Six

We were back with the group of death, and I was back with the Hobgoblin. It's a beer, not an ex. I'm beginning to think that it's football night, so I'm allowed some beers may not be an especially practical rule right now.

Portugal 3 Denmark 2

This one was as marked a temperamental clash as you're likely to get in a European championship. Freezing winters against blistering summers.  Baltic herring against Atlantic sardines. Kierkegaard against transubstantiation. It gave us possibly the best game yet.

Pepe struck first, heading home at the near post from a Moutinho corner. Ronaldo nearly doubled the lead when his free kick clipped off the top of the wall, but it was deflected just over the bar.

Postiga succeeded where he had failed. Nani put the ball in, and he got across the Danish defender Kjaer and put it in at the post. Two nil.

The Portuguese were dominant at that point, but just when we thought they were going in two up at halftime Bendtner pulled one back. The cross came in, Krohn-Dehli, the keeper and the nearest defender all followed it, and Krohn-Dehli got there first. He headed it back over, and Bendtner headed it into an empty net.

There was a significant question mark over the goal, which was that Bendtner was offside from the original cross. He didn't touch the ball until it came back, so was there a second phase? The rules of the game say yes, so the officials were correct to allow the goal, but personally I think the rules should be changed. A second phase should only be considered to apply if the ball has actually touched a defender, or play has been slowed up sufficiently to allow the defense to reorganise. Otherwise you're legitimising goal hanging, which is precisely the behaviour the offside rule was designed to prevent.

For the surprisingly large section of my readership that doesn't really get football, none of that will mean anything. I know you normally just skip the technical bits anyway, hoping for jokes about Schrodinger and bottoms, but I ought to offer you something as part of my self-imposed public service remit. In the spirit of the big society, which is what old Etonians call it when they don't want to pay you, here is the offside rule for geeks, courtesy of the excellent (and very funny) @OctoberJones. Hope that helps.

Ronaldo carried on missing after the break. He got clear through in the 49th minute and shot from the edge of the box, but it was easily saved. Kvist and Bendtner also missed for Denmark, but in the 78th minute Ronaldo raised the bar for any misser for the rest of this tournament. He was literally five yards clear of the defence, it was just him and the keeper, he could have taken it in closer, even you or I would have known to do that, but he shot from an unnecessary distance, and it flew wide. Everyone who can't stand Ronaldo was thrilled.

We never celebrate these things properly. Just imagine, all of us in our separate houses, all laughing at Ronaldo in isolation. We should join together, in a conga line around the world.

It's true, the Atlantic would pose a problem. Perhaps we could chain together every boat belonging to someone who hates Ronaldo, moor them from Portugal to Brazil and lay wooden boards across the top of them for the conga line to move on. We'd have to arrange them in order of height, or you'd end up with skiffs next to ocean liners. That way, everyone in Europe that hates Ronaldo could conga across the Atlantic in time to boo him at the World Cup. What a joyous festival of unity and togetherness it would be.

Back to the football. You may recall that Ronaldo had just missed. Two minutes later, Bendtner's equaliser made him regret it. The ball come in from Jacobsen, he pulled off Pepe, as it were, and shot. The keeper got a hand to it, but could only push it onto the post and in.

It galvanised the Portuguese, and the last ten minutes were all theirs. Ronaldo missed twice more, then Varela showed him how it's done. Agger got caught with the ball, and it came back in from Coentrao, who seems to be a footballer not a liqueur. Varela missed with his left foot, controlled it and banged it home with his right.

Ronaldo still had time to pick up a yellow card for a cynical tackle, but when Schone blasted over soon after that was it. Life isn't actually a morality play, and there were no consequences for Ronaldo, but the simple fact that he'd been on the winning side can't have entirely compensated for the knowledge of how little he'd contributed to that win.

Holland 1 Germany 2

I nearly missed the start of this one, like I did the Greece v Czech Republic game the other day. In honour of Germany I'd dashed to Lidl, and you always find more cheap shit in there than you'd ever realised you needed. In the event, I sat down as the kickoff countdown hit 5.

Yes, the kickoff countdown. Instead of waiting for the referee to blow to start the game, the announcer counts down from 10 over the tannoy, usually with the help of the fans. In English, obviously. Polish or Ukrainian? Neither language seems to exist.

Van Persie had the early chances, but it was Germany that scored first. The ball came through to Gomez, and he made us all gasp by pirouetting on left foot as he controlled it with his right, then firing it under the diving keeper. It was beautiful control, and following on Ozil's shot against the post it reminded us all why Germany are so fancied for this tournament.

Badstuber nearly doubled their lead when he got a free header, absolutely unmarked in the 6 yard box. Unfortunately for him his header went straight at the keeper, but you wondered where the Dutch defense were. That's the kind of thing they're supposed to be good at. People have been slagging off England, but our defence never did anything that bad against France.

So it was no surprise when Gomez scored again. His welltimed shot followed a one two with Schweinsteiger in which he literally ran rings round Mathijson. Actually, no that's unfair. He metaphorically ran rings, but literally only ran one ring. Not that the Dutch will find that much of a comfort.

The keeper Stekelenbug was slightly at fault as well, having gone down perhaps slightly early, allowing Gomez to score over him. Just after the break he made spectacular amends, saving two German shots in a row. Three nil would have killed Holland, but now they rallied.

Van Persie and Sjneider both had decent efforts, then Robben got free in the box, with the ball (duh-uh), but volleyed when he had time to control and shot wide. His next effort laid out Jerome Boateng, the German Ghanaian whose brother Prinz plays for Ghana. The Boateng brothers played on opposing teams in the last World Cup, in a fraternal clash which has never happened before or since. Although it should be noted that Ronaldo and Beckham both have very similar faces, in the sense that you want to punch them about the same amount, and in my opinion may well be related.

After 72 minutes they brought Klose on for Gomez. While the commentators were busy chatting about German forwards, van Persie reminded everyone he was still there by finally scoring. He got the ball to him on left, turned Hummels to make the space and scored from 25 yards. I should probably explain that Hummels is a German defender, otherwise turning Hummels would sound like something you'd do in a Sopwith Camel.

The Dutch brought Kuyt on for Robben. It would be fair to say that Robben was a little miffed, and instead of running off across the pitch he exited on the far side, then slowly walked round the stadium scowling, thus giving the TV cameras ample opportunity to focus on his discontent.

Just before the end Boateng got a yellow card for timewasting, and now misses the next game against Denmark. Unless something remarkable happens, he and Germany will be there for the quarter finals.

It was a satisfying day for a blogger, all told. Lots of action, an offside controversy, Ronaldo looking a twat. It also meant that after twelve games there were no nil nils so far. There are normally some shit games in the knockout phase, but then there are normally some shit games in the group stages, and we haven't had any yet.

Day Two

This was the day everyone was waiting for. The Group of Death. The teams ranked 3rd, 4th, 9th and 10th in the world. Well, the day everyone else was waiting for. I'm just happy as long as someone's kicking a ball about in front of a camera somewhere.

Honestly, that's all it takes. Go in your back garden, kick a ball against the shed for a few minutes while someone films it on their phone, turn it into an animated gif and DM me. I'll be stuck in this chair for hours. So you can imagine how I am right now. If it wasn't for Asda Online I'd starve to death about the middle of next week.

The two ranking teams in the group are Holland and Germany. Denmark and Portugal are considered unlucky to have drawn them. All these teams have won it before except Portugal, and they've been in the final.

Holland 0 Denmark 1

Holland made all the running early on and van Persie and Robben both had decent chances, so it came as a shock when Denmark took the lead after 23 minutes.

Poulsen ran at the defence, who blocked him off perfectly well, but a ricochet came to Krohn-Dehli on the left. He ran past a defender and hit it through Stekelenburg's legs.

The Dutch kept at it. They had a shout for a penalty turned down when Agger handled in the box, then Vlaar didn't properly connect with a header from a corner. Robben hit the post after a terrible clearance from the keeper, but they couldn't do anything from the rebound. Affelaye waltzed past the Danish defence, and shot narrowly over, then van Persie miscued one after not really controlling it properly. You felt it would come, but at halftime it hadn't.

The second half carried on as the first had finished. Robben, van Persie, van Bommel, each in turn found new ways to miss. Van der Vaart and Huntelaar came on for Afellaye and de Jong, and carried on in the same vein.

With ten minutes left the Danes took Rommedahl off for Mikkelsen. You may remember Rommedahl from his Charlton days. He's back in Denmark now, at Brondby. Danish players often like to semi-retire to Denmark, I've noticed. Their Superliga is roughly the same standard as the Scottish Premier League, with a few big teams and the rest at about Championship standard. You can drop down a level as your legs get tired and put your kids back in a Danish speaking school at the same time.

He's fit for an old 'un though, Rommedahl. Apparently he can do the 100 metres in 11 seconds, even when the chip shop isn't about to close. He may have felt his fitness justified keeping him on for the end, as everyone struggled to get through the tired minutes, and wasn't best pleased to be taken off.

But it was the Dutch that needed their strikers. In desperation, they brought Kuyt on. Turning to Liverpool players in desperation may turn out to be one of the themes of this tournament.

It didn't help, although the Dutch did have another handball appeal, this one much better. The final whistle went, and somehow Denmark had won. Holland had 28 attempts on goal, but none of them went in.

This happens sometimes. Say on average one attempt in ten goes in (WARNING: stat pulled out of my arse), the odds on missing 28 in a row are low but not astronomically so.  No point in being upset. You pick yourself up, you make another 28 chances against Germany, you take 3 of them. I wouldn't rule it out.

But it was an unexpected setback, and there won't have been many fireworks around the Zuiderzee last night. Especially as it disappeared decades ago when they diked it off and turned into a freshwater lake instead. It's a good thing I check these things. The question now was whether Portugal could do to Germany what Denmark had done to the Dutch.

Germany 1 Portugal 0 (so no, then)

Now I think about it, putting the score in the subheading may slightly reduce the element of dramatic tension for those of you who aren't following events as determinedly as I am.

The early stages in this one were notable for the high pressing line both sides were keeping. Instead of letting the opposition play it out from the back, they forced them to kick it away. Of course, they then faced the same problem themselves. It was tactically correct, but made for a scrappy first half.

Podolski had a couple of decent chances in the first half hour, but miskicked one and skied the second. Germany were bossing the game, but their own sloppiness combined with Portuguese solidity to frustrate them.

In fact it was Portugal who nearly scored, just before the break. Pepe's shot hit the corner of the bar, landed on the goalline and bounced back into play. Cue much chat about Lampard's effort in the last World Cup, also against Germany just before halftime, but this one clearly didn't cross the line.

The second half started much more openly. Portugal seemed to have decided it was time to give it a go. For one dizzying moment Ronaldo seemed to be clear, but Boateng got back at him.

72 minutes in, Gomez scored. The cross took a little nick off a defender, and looped invitingly onto his head. He put it comfortably beyond the keeper, and Germany were a goal up.

Yes, Germany. Mario Gomez has a Spanish father and a German mother, and grew up in Germany. He's good enough for either squad, but chose Germany as a youth team player nine years ago. This is a decision that may have looked better in 2003 than it did in 2010, but perhaps this is his (and their) year.

His goal tonight bought him another few minutes on the pitch. Klose was about to come on for him, but after he scored Löw waved Klose back on the bench. He brought him on anyway in the eightieth minute. Klose's getting on a bit for a whole game, but he's still Germany's senior striker.

Portugal brought on Varela for Meireles, and pushed forward. Ronaldo's shot forced Neuer to concede a corner, and Nani's cross bounced off the bar. Then it came to Varela, on his own in the box, but Neuer smothered his shot.

Nani's shot in the last minute of injury time was deflected for a corner, which Alves headed over, and that was it.

It never quite comes off for Portugal in tournaments, does it? They knock England out on penalties every now and again, but they tend not to get any further than that. They did get to the finals in Euro 2004, when they hosted it, but they lost to Greece.

Today couldn't have gone much worse for them. Not only have they lost to Germany, Denmark are now three points ahead. If they don't beat them next, they're probably going home.

For Germany, the expected good start. There's a Stephen Hendry quality about them, a certain resilience, which we came to anticipate as a matter of course from 1970 to about 1990. It disappeared for a decade or so, but recently they've looked like the Germany of old. You never beat them by much, they always seem to come back, and the moment when you think they've lost their mojo is the precise moment when they find that maximum break.

Tomorrow it's Ireland, or as I like to call them, Tony Meo.