Thursday 14 June 2012

Day Six

We were back with the group of death, and I was back with the Hobgoblin. It's a beer, not an ex. I'm beginning to think that it's football night, so I'm allowed some beers may not be an especially practical rule right now.

Portugal 3 Denmark 2

This one was as marked a temperamental clash as you're likely to get in a European championship. Freezing winters against blistering summers.  Baltic herring against Atlantic sardines. Kierkegaard against transubstantiation. It gave us possibly the best game yet.

Pepe struck first, heading home at the near post from a Moutinho corner. Ronaldo nearly doubled the lead when his free kick clipped off the top of the wall, but it was deflected just over the bar.

Postiga succeeded where he had failed. Nani put the ball in, and he got across the Danish defender Kjaer and put it in at the post. Two nil.

The Portuguese were dominant at that point, but just when we thought they were going in two up at halftime Bendtner pulled one back. The cross came in, Krohn-Dehli, the keeper and the nearest defender all followed it, and Krohn-Dehli got there first. He headed it back over, and Bendtner headed it into an empty net.

There was a significant question mark over the goal, which was that Bendtner was offside from the original cross. He didn't touch the ball until it came back, so was there a second phase? The rules of the game say yes, so the officials were correct to allow the goal, but personally I think the rules should be changed. A second phase should only be considered to apply if the ball has actually touched a defender, or play has been slowed up sufficiently to allow the defense to reorganise. Otherwise you're legitimising goal hanging, which is precisely the behaviour the offside rule was designed to prevent.

For the surprisingly large section of my readership that doesn't really get football, none of that will mean anything. I know you normally just skip the technical bits anyway, hoping for jokes about Schrodinger and bottoms, but I ought to offer you something as part of my self-imposed public service remit. In the spirit of the big society, which is what old Etonians call it when they don't want to pay you, here is the offside rule for geeks, courtesy of the excellent (and very funny) @OctoberJones. Hope that helps.

Ronaldo carried on missing after the break. He got clear through in the 49th minute and shot from the edge of the box, but it was easily saved. Kvist and Bendtner also missed for Denmark, but in the 78th minute Ronaldo raised the bar for any misser for the rest of this tournament. He was literally five yards clear of the defence, it was just him and the keeper, he could have taken it in closer, even you or I would have known to do that, but he shot from an unnecessary distance, and it flew wide. Everyone who can't stand Ronaldo was thrilled.

We never celebrate these things properly. Just imagine, all of us in our separate houses, all laughing at Ronaldo in isolation. We should join together, in a conga line around the world.

It's true, the Atlantic would pose a problem. Perhaps we could chain together every boat belonging to someone who hates Ronaldo, moor them from Portugal to Brazil and lay wooden boards across the top of them for the conga line to move on. We'd have to arrange them in order of height, or you'd end up with skiffs next to ocean liners. That way, everyone in Europe that hates Ronaldo could conga across the Atlantic in time to boo him at the World Cup. What a joyous festival of unity and togetherness it would be.

Back to the football. You may recall that Ronaldo had just missed. Two minutes later, Bendtner's equaliser made him regret it. The ball come in from Jacobsen, he pulled off Pepe, as it were, and shot. The keeper got a hand to it, but could only push it onto the post and in.

It galvanised the Portuguese, and the last ten minutes were all theirs. Ronaldo missed twice more, then Varela showed him how it's done. Agger got caught with the ball, and it came back in from Coentrao, who seems to be a footballer not a liqueur. Varela missed with his left foot, controlled it and banged it home with his right.

Ronaldo still had time to pick up a yellow card for a cynical tackle, but when Schone blasted over soon after that was it. Life isn't actually a morality play, and there were no consequences for Ronaldo, but the simple fact that he'd been on the winning side can't have entirely compensated for the knowledge of how little he'd contributed to that win.

Holland 1 Germany 2

I nearly missed the start of this one, like I did the Greece v Czech Republic game the other day. In honour of Germany I'd dashed to Lidl, and you always find more cheap shit in there than you'd ever realised you needed. In the event, I sat down as the kickoff countdown hit 5.

Yes, the kickoff countdown. Instead of waiting for the referee to blow to start the game, the announcer counts down from 10 over the tannoy, usually with the help of the fans. In English, obviously. Polish or Ukrainian? Neither language seems to exist.

Van Persie had the early chances, but it was Germany that scored first. The ball came through to Gomez, and he made us all gasp by pirouetting on left foot as he controlled it with his right, then firing it under the diving keeper. It was beautiful control, and following on Ozil's shot against the post it reminded us all why Germany are so fancied for this tournament.

Badstuber nearly doubled their lead when he got a free header, absolutely unmarked in the 6 yard box. Unfortunately for him his header went straight at the keeper, but you wondered where the Dutch defense were. That's the kind of thing they're supposed to be good at. People have been slagging off England, but our defence never did anything that bad against France.

So it was no surprise when Gomez scored again. His welltimed shot followed a one two with Schweinsteiger in which he literally ran rings round Mathijson. Actually, no that's unfair. He metaphorically ran rings, but literally only ran one ring. Not that the Dutch will find that much of a comfort.

The keeper Stekelenbug was slightly at fault as well, having gone down perhaps slightly early, allowing Gomez to score over him. Just after the break he made spectacular amends, saving two German shots in a row. Three nil would have killed Holland, but now they rallied.

Van Persie and Sjneider both had decent efforts, then Robben got free in the box, with the ball (duh-uh), but volleyed when he had time to control and shot wide. His next effort laid out Jerome Boateng, the German Ghanaian whose brother Prinz plays for Ghana. The Boateng brothers played on opposing teams in the last World Cup, in a fraternal clash which has never happened before or since. Although it should be noted that Ronaldo and Beckham both have very similar faces, in the sense that you want to punch them about the same amount, and in my opinion may well be related.

After 72 minutes they brought Klose on for Gomez. While the commentators were busy chatting about German forwards, van Persie reminded everyone he was still there by finally scoring. He got the ball to him on left, turned Hummels to make the space and scored from 25 yards. I should probably explain that Hummels is a German defender, otherwise turning Hummels would sound like something you'd do in a Sopwith Camel.

The Dutch brought Kuyt on for Robben. It would be fair to say that Robben was a little miffed, and instead of running off across the pitch he exited on the far side, then slowly walked round the stadium scowling, thus giving the TV cameras ample opportunity to focus on his discontent.

Just before the end Boateng got a yellow card for timewasting, and now misses the next game against Denmark. Unless something remarkable happens, he and Germany will be there for the quarter finals.

It was a satisfying day for a blogger, all told. Lots of action, an offside controversy, Ronaldo looking a twat. It also meant that after twelve games there were no nil nils so far. There are normally some shit games in the knockout phase, but then there are normally some shit games in the group stages, and we haven't had any yet.

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